Christmas or the lack thereof …

Christmas is coming….

Christmas trees everywhere, the Orchard lights are up (blue this year with the Nutcracker theme, very pretty), the scent of Body Shop’s Cranberry Body Lotion (with two other new scents this year so it isn’t as obvious), and… the christmas carols..

Somehow…for me… Christmas doesn’t bring the normal cheer and joy as it does the previous years…

First caught sign of Christmas’s approach when I was at Taka with my bridesmaids on Nov 2nd when we did our gals’ day out. They realized it first with the red poinsettias everywhere. My attempt to deny it was crushed with Taka’s enormous Christmas tree in the atrium…

At first, I put it down to the stress and overload of work… plus, Christmas also equals the approach of way too many deadlines (which I am not ready for!)…so naturally, I would be in denial of Christmas.

However, as was waiting for a friend the other day at the mall and was bombarded by the never-ending carols, I was suddenly reminded of 106.7 with its endless loop of carols… and I realized that it isn’t due to the work at all…

It’s because I’m conditioned…

Christmas, isn’t like this… Christmas, to me, is both cold and cozy…

Christmas is snow, both freshly fallen and brown slush and slippery blackened ice. Christmas is tacky decorations in the front yards of houses and pine trees tied to car roofs. Christmas is lights glittering with frost and blurred with the fog of warm breath…

Christmas is leaving your prints on untouched snow… to see your tracks behind… Christmas is stepping into freshly fallen powder one day and brown sludge the next… It’s wrapping up in warm coats just to breath in the fresh cold air… Christmas is fireplaces and warm gold lights… Christmas is quiet days and romantic nights…

Christmas is days spent lazing at home with a hot drink and a good book and the sounds of P rattling around the apartment… Christmas is playing carols round the clock with P putting on headphones at times simply to avoid hearing it… It’s driving out with frosted windows and sounds of P’s complains… It’s shopping at marts filled with Christmas goodies and P sneaking goodies into the cart… It’s cooking for hours for a Christmas-themed feast of dishes that P will finish no matter if they are successful or not (and usually, due to it being the first attempt and not very religiously following downloaded recipes, they aren’t very successful)…

It’s the scent of frost and Christmas in the air….

And always, always with P….

Ever since ’03, I’ve always spent Christmas in the States with P, flying over in november… four years down the road… and I’m conditioned…

And it’s the Christmas carols that I used to play round the clock, now piped over the mall’s speakers… that reminded me… the strains of chestnuts roasting on an open fire and city sidewalks, busy sidewalks, dressed in holiday style bringing back the memories of the fireplaces and frosty windows…

Haven’t started playing my Christmas soundtrack yet… and don’t think I can bear to just yet…

Christmas isn’t Christmas without P… so for me… it isn’t Christmas just yet…

家乡·味蕾

许多人知道我明年七月将离开，第一个问题都一样。你不会想家吗？答案不假思索而出，不会。

从没觉得自己特别恋家。也许，是天生薄情吧。一直不觉得对这个孕育我的小岛，有割舍不了的情。

今天，上课间，为了提神兼喂喂空空的胃，到Pantry泡杯Milo。一时念起，到了国外，想泡杯Milo，这个伴我成长的饮料，就不是那么容易了。到时，大概就得改喝Hot Chocolate了。

读我部落格的朋友，有好多都当过留学生。应该都明白吧。

每个新加坡留学生，骨子里都是恋家的。这份恋家，是挂在口中，但不是用说的，而是用吃的。

每每回国，或知道谁要回国，又或有谁的亲友要来访，千托万托的，就是带些家乡的吃的。旅行箱一箱箱装的，不是衣服礼物，那呀，清一色都是食物。举凡Kaya, Pineapple Tarts, Belachan酱料，药材鸡汤料，海南鸡饭调味料，咖哩味料，当然，还有三合一装的Milo，能塞多少就塞多少。

最常见的，是在临上飞机前，打包一包炒果条或Chai Tao Kuey又或Roti Prata，偷运上机，五六个小时的机程后冷冰冰的送到一群游子面前，就见一群人筷子齐挥，七手八脚抢着吃，尽管冷却的食物其实已经不好吃（尤其roti prata的curry sauce往往已经馊掉，不能吃的），但还是很甘愿。而且这前提是游子所在的国家离岛国只有五六个小时的机程。若阁下选择在较远的地方留学（如呆子的美国），那就想都不用想。（还好，呆子嘴不馋，每次飞去，叫我带去的都是能耐时的罐料食物）

最可笑的是，现在世界大同。许多‘托运’的食物，其实国外也买得到。我就曾经在美国的超市看过Milo! 但只是惊鸿一瞥，一次之后就没有了。但这还属特例。许多游子带回的东西，真的哪里都买得到。泡面，辣椒酱，咖哩酱，哪里没有？尤其在美国有那么多的亚裔超市。可是，游子就是坚定地认为，家乡的牌子才好吃，巴巴地就是要搬一箱的泡面过去，也不在乎有多可笑。

谁说，新加坡的游子不恋家了？在国外的一家餐馆吃饭，发现有卖芋泥，兴奋得象是找到宝。一盘鸡饭卖三十多块新币，贵死人又不好吃，还是点了… 就为了尝那一口家乡…

Hot Chocolate不是不好。尤其我家那口子买的还是Hershey’s 牌或Cadbury牌。但，它毕竟不是我们从小喝到大的Milo….

人，不论长多大，味蕾，还是眷念着那份家乡….

等待

在听方文山的《青花瓷》……

很喜欢这首词，也许是因为，那份恬恬淡淡的等。没有碑文誓言的决心，山崩地裂的轰然。却有一股清雅的隽永，如江南小镇淙淙细水长流……

等待，成为生活的一部分，就如呼吸般一样自然，这种感觉，我懂……

上学，放学，工作，吃饭，读书，写字……生活如旧。潜意识中，却一直怀抱着一份等待。东西做着做着，会忽然发呆。那是，在等待。有时望着窗外，会不知觉地笑。那是，在等待。

等待久了，少了那份焦迫，成了一种淡然。

没有埋怨，因为不是谁在逼迫。只是，心中有一个人，不在身边。所以无论做着什么，都在等待。

不知不觉，这样的等，已经六年了。

而等待，也快要结束……

天青色等烟雨 而我在等你
月色被打捞起 晕开了结局

而我们的结局，又会是如何？

灭顶

最近感觉快要窒息。

截止日期接踵而至，没一刻得息。

脾气越来越坏，身边的朋友，说我越来越不象自己。

感觉，自己也越来越不象自己。

开始，不懂得如何面对自己。

什么都不去想，一片空白。

都不知道你的心在哪

我也不知道，我的心，遗落在哪。

你，能帮我找回吗？

该死

今天自我禁足。实在有太多的工作要做。一整天与两台电脑面对面，换来的是脑袋重重，和一天的烦躁。

事事不顺。

科技科技，根本就是惹人气。

今天所有的不顺，十之八九就是因为所谓能够提供人类便利的科技，浪费时间浪费精力！　

不要跟我说因为我是电脑白痴，我白痴只在于需要用到这些废物科技。

若我经济允许我谋杀机器，今天我一定犯杀机罪。

一肚子的火。

小蜗牛

我要，一步一步往上爬……

Is it bad of me to find delight in seeing this same small little snail at the same spot for the past couple of mornings on my way to the bus stop at 740am?

The combination of the early morning sunlight and the fresh scent of rain, and this little creature gives me joy to start a day of dreary marking… somehow, seeing this little creature every morning at the same spot… knowing it’s still trying to climb up the same slope, albeit with little (if no) progress gives one a hopeful feeling…

I like snails… (a fact which disappointed my kids when they attempted to scare me with a captured snail once. All they got was a scolding on mistreating little creatures 🙂

November Blues…

I remember a time when November was my favorite month of the year… a time that’s near year end but not yet the end of the year… the anticipation of the upcoming holidays… the crispness of the autumnal air slowly taking on an icy edge… leaves turning wine-red and whisky-gold, carpeting the ground… the skies an endless blue…

The year is nearing an end… allowing one to look back at the fruits of the past year, nostalgic and satisfied… A new year is starting but with a month of allowance… so one has the sense of anticipation of the brand new start without the stress of preparation… it’s that perfect moment of in between-ness that allows one to relax, a breathing time to lay back, take stock and just … be.

I loved November… until this year.

Drew up my schedule for the next 8 weeks the Sunday before in a fit of pique. One look at the finished product and I wanted to find a hole to hide in for the next 8 weeks…back-to-back appointments, days of marking and nights of classes, piled work that doesn’t appear clearable in any near future, exams and deadlines in a blood red reminiscent of the burgundy I used to think of when I thought of the fall foliage of November…. Can I just hide in my little cave and crawl out on D-day itself?

I miss the Novembers of the past….