心语迹痕

February 28, 2010

Babysitting 101

Filed under: 心痕 — by Yilise @ 8:46 PM

Yesterday marks my first baby-sitting experience, another milestone in my life :p

Kevin and Linda popped by in the afternoon to give us some niangao Linda made. Linda made niangao as it was the last day of CNY and they were doing the rounds. We were their third stop. When they said they were going over to the Seattle side next to pass the niangao to Kevin’s sister and planned to do some grocery shopping at Uwajimaya too, I impulsively said they could leave Curtis at my place if they want – it’ll give them a little alone time to run their errands. Kevin grabbed onto the opportunity and was out of the door before I knew it.

Bleah. I totally didn’t know what I got myself into! Babysitting is way more tiring that I expect. Luckily, Curtis did not cry at all even though Kevin said he’ll definitely cry for the first fifteen minutes. He kept running round in circles and seems tireless. I did not know that two-year-olds had so much energy. My place had no toys and I was afraid he’ll be bored, but he was very happy just running around the place and playing with a handheld massager and the iDog I got for Hongping for Christmas. I didn’t dare take my eyes off him for a minute in case he knocks himself into something – just that stress and fear alone was exhausting. I can’t imagine how Linda and all the other Moms I know do it 24 hours a day!

And Hongping didn’t help at all – he simply sat at his table and worked; only lifting his head occasionally to say, “Hello Curtis”. Little Curtis is also very smart. I told him to go “play with Uncle Hongping”, but he somehow knew he wasn’t supposed to do that. So he’ll run up to Hongping and stare at him silently for a few minutes and run back to me laughing.

I have to admit that for all the stress and exhaustion trying to keep up with this constant bundle of energy, Curtis is a very joyful kid to have in the house. He didn’t throw a single tantrum and his antics of climbing up and down chairs and sofas brought much laughter to a usually quiet afternoon. I actually had a lot of fun taking care of this little two-year-old for the couple of hours. I love how he answers questions with simple childish logic and how he attempts to help in his little ways when I was doing the vacuuming. When I asked if he wanted to help me vacuum, he nodded his head vigorously. He rolled up the yoga mat and put it away before helping me plug in the vacuum, only to run and jump back to the sofa while staring at me with big innocent eyes, waiting for me to finish vacuuming. Kawaii ne!

All in all, it was an enjoyable afternoon and a memorable experience, mainly because it was only for an afternoon. I cannot fathom doing this long-term at all! The responsibility, the stress! Just the thought of it is scary enough. Some people are meant for parenthood and some aren’t. I guess we fall into the latter. Just a couple of hours every now and then will more than fulfill our parental experience ☺

February 27, 2010

彼岸花

Filed under: 心田 — by Yilise @ 7:13 PM


今天在一篇文中讀到彼岸花,一時興趣,上網找了照片來看。原來是以前看過的Red Spider Lilies。之前看過這花,只覺得花瓣有夠細的,也沒太注意。沒想到,這就是傳說中開在黃泉路上的花。紅艷艷的花,開滿一地,似血濺一地,那是怎樣的絢麗燦爛。

佛經曰:“彼岸花,開一千年,落一千年,花葉永不相見。情不爲因果,緣注定生死.”

傳說彼岸花開在黃泉路上。現實中則多開在墳邊。都是往生必經之路。花有魔香,讓人憶起前世。靈魂踏花而行至忘川,前世情緣浮上腦海。偏生入了輪回道後什麼也都失去。這,其實是一種折磨。不如就喝下一碗孟婆湯,干干淨淨的去。

彼岸花相關故事傳說很多。但最讓人感動的卻是那花葉。


黃泉花開彼岸,花開不見葉,葉生不見花,生生相錯。雖得同根,卻不能相依。這是怎樣的入骨折磨。可又是什麼讓這花葉生生世世地堅持花開葉落,葉生花謝?有時,人活著,只為一種執著。

今日在搜尋照片時發現有人因花色艷麗而選這花為結婚時的捧花,還真是特立獨行。

今天大好元宵,我偏著迷於這淒美的花的種種傳說…

February 22, 2010

À la claire fontaine

Filed under: 心痕,戏痕 — by Yilise @ 3:42 AM

So our drinking water was cut off yesterday night. P was really not happy about that. He loves his water and refused to be appeased by either soy milk or fruit juice or milkshake. Me, I was ok. I don’t like to drink plain water anyway. However, when I woke up this morning without my daily honey sustenance, I realized the importance of the drinking water and repeatedly called the office to send the maintenance guys over. The guy came and it turned out that the water pipe line froze and water couldn’t get past the ice. Huh. It didn’t make much sense to me, but apparently leaving the freezer door open for one hour solves it. Leaving the freezer door open for an hour also softens the ice-cream, making it easy to scoop a huge spoonful out to make milkshake smoothies that isn’t half-froth. Yum! Good things come out of bad things.

I also took the opportunity to ask the maintenance guy why our fridge doesn’t give us ice cubes/crushed ice. Apparently, it’s because we never turned the ice-maker on. Okaaay. Four degrees between the both of us, and we did not know that we have to turn the ice-maker on to make ice. Nice. And now I hear ice crashing into the icebox every twenty minutes.

I’ve been watching Il y a longtemps que je t’aime off an on for the day (amidst solving our drinking water problem etc.) I’ve had the film in my hard drive for forever, but I’ve somehow never got to it. It’s a slow-moving film that reminds me of A One and a Two, but with a sideline suspense plot.

It’s a story of how a mis-matched family comes together. A mute grandfather, estranged sisters, adopted Vietnamese daughters, Iraqi friends – a melting pot of characters quietly going about their lives. The addition of Juliette was a stone thrown in the waters, the original life was disturbed and ripples were formed, but the waters still returned to its former calmness. It speaks of how we can come to adapt and accept anything, of how truly flexible the human being is. A particular scene that stood out in its abruptness – the death of Juliette’s probation officer Capt. Fauré, which was quickly followed by news of a friend giving birth. Life follows death. Such are the eternal rules and cycle of life.

Kristin Scott Thomas was exceptional in the film. Her silence heavy and her face so movingly expressionless. She doesn’t say or do anything, but one can feel her pain almost tangibly. So strong is her desire to stay invisible that she almost melts into the background at some points. In the scenes when she’s walking in crowds of people, it is even hard to pick her out. She holds herself so tightly that when she flinches, there seems to be physical pain. There are multitudes of close-ups on her face – covered with fine lines and deep furrows, each line a testament to the pain she went through. Yet such haggardness fails to hide the delicate bone structure and skin – one can even see the faint outline of blue veins. The occasional times when she relaxes into a smile, it’s as if a light is thrown upon her and she suddenly becomes beautiful. Her etched face forms such juxtaposition with that of Léa – Juliette’s pale blue eyes and Léa’s earnest big brown eyes, Juliette’s drawn face with Léa’s round face. The difference between the sisters is so clear.

I don’t understand the language, so instead of listening to the words, I listen to how the words run together, the tempo and the tonality and emotion infused within. It’s a refreshing experience.

The ending was almost anti-climatic. We finally “discover” the secret, but at this point, we really don’t care. In fact, the rage, the shouting, the breaking down at the end felt melodramatic, and was a let down to an otherwise well-balanced film. I would have preferred it end on a quieter note – it felt more that Juliette has accepted the past, and didn’t need the “cathartic” moment.

On another note, I loved the French children’s song, “À la claire fontaine” that inspired the name of the film. The lyrics are so sweet.

À la claire fontaine,
M’en allant promener
J’ai trouvé l’eau si belle
Que je m’y suis baigné

Il y a longtemps que je t’aime
Jamais je ne t’oublierai

February 6, 2010

一世為臣

Filed under: 文迹 — by Yilise @ 1:07 AM

看了《一世為臣》。听说即将出书了。果然,是值得出版的一篇文。阅罢后有少有的慨然。

有评语说,一般虐文,多让人读罢后心中有着无奈与心疼。《一世為臣》却让人掩卷后感到满满的不甘。全文几乎字字都充斥着不甘。

历史已定,再也无法更改。阅前已知无善终。可,还是免不了眼眶泛起的酸意,还有那不甘。

致斋,瑶林。聪明一世,位极人臣。却一生都不如意。

若有相負,天不假年。

果然誓言还是不能随意立的。相负吗?相误吗?爱恨纠缠,一生不还都是那一个人。最终,却逃不脱天不假年,不得善终。其实,这又何尝不是另一番相守。过去种种譬如昨日死。最难是一份放不下。

一直觉得最痛的是永琰。致斋和瑶林再苦,还是相知相决。就永琰,要不到爱,也要不到恨。连一点点情谊也被自己亲手毁去。爱不得其所,也不得其法。若无爱也无恨,做得再多,也只成一跳梁小丑。难为这嘉庆帝皇。一直糾結在永琰得知致斋死讯的那一刻,万念倶灭。那是他唯一的梦想。之后的二十余年,是什么支撑着他独自走下去?少了那唯一的执念啊。

其实全文最动人心的是瑶林那两唐卡。 六世达赖喇嘛仓央嘉措那两首诗。

第一最好不相见,如此便可不相恋。
第二最好不相知,如此便可不相思。
第三最好不相伴,如此便可不相欠。
第四最好不相惜,如此便可不相忆。
第五最好不相爱,如此便可不相弃。
第六最好不相对,如此便可不相会。
第七最好不相误,如此便可不相负。
第八最好不相许,如此便可不相续。
第九最好不相依,如此便可不相偎。
第十最好不相遇,如此便可不相聚。
但曾相见便相知,相见何如不见时。
安得与君相诀绝,免教生死作相思。

——

你见,或者不见我
我就在那里
不悲不喜
你念,或者不念我
情就在那里
不来不去
你爱,或者不爱我
爱就在那里
不增不减
你跟,或者不跟我
我的手就在你手里
不舍不弃
来我的怀里
或者
让我住进你的心里
默然 相爱
寂静 欢喜

那一句“你念,或者不念我,情就在那里”,说的不只瑶林和致斋。还有永琰。长生。长安。和这世间那许许多多剪不断的情。

在某处看到了一句话,很是喜欢。

有些事,记住了并不代表是永恒,忘却了也不等于没发生。

可就算明白了,又有几人能忘却?

February 2, 2010

缓慢人生

Filed under: 心痕,戏痕 — by Yilise @ 5:46 AM

好久都没来更了。也许,是因为这些日子都没发生什么事。又或许是因为发生了些什么事,也不过是些平凡的事。更不更都一样,一日过一日,也就这么过了。

搬来华州后的日子,日子仿佛都过得很慢。很少出门。每天都窝在家里。工作,看戏。没工作时,就看些文。有时候看了些戏后,就想写些什么。可是又少了动力。往往写了两句,就停滞不前了。如前些日子,看了《父子》。看了郭富城和小吴景滔的演出,其实还是有感触的。尤其发现这部电影意外的竟然选马来西亚为背景,那些些微熟悉的南洋风光,让我看戏时多了些莫名的亲切感。看的不是导演版,不知如果看了多了40分钟的导演版后,会不会有不同的想法。不过据说剪掉的部分都是郭富城和林熙蕾的床戏。对杨采妮的印象停留在她和吴启隆演的《梁祝》和那一首《笑着流泪》,好久不见后的她,清秀中添了一股韵味。一个妈妈,再爱自己的儿子,还是更爱自己。无所谓原不原谅。母爱不是天性。人性才是天性。有人说郭富城的演技再好,也被他那六块腹肌出卖。没人会相信一个连家都无法保护的烂赌徒会有那个毅力与时间去练出那么好的身材。我看戏倒没那么仔细。看了《父子》后,我还蛮期待《杀人犯》的。

在这里做最多的,就是看戏。虽然我家没电视机。但,要看戏,频道还蛮多的。网上下载,图书馆借,Netflix借。资源源源不绝。老爸上次来的时候给我带来的好几套台剧,到现在还没看完。想之前教书三年的时候,几乎完全没碰到电视,现在,慢慢补全。

生活步伐过慢。有时会觉得是在浪费。浪费时间,浪费青春。心中会有种莫名的焦虑,仿佛有什么事情等待着我去做。而时间就快要错过。

可是另一方面,却也觉得现在的我正在深呼吸。

之前走得太快,太急,消耗的体力太多,也没什么好。

最近看了一篇文,其中有一句话,说,也许我们可以一起走得慢一点。然后,走得更长一点。

人,未必要在特定的时间完成,或做,一些特定的什么。毕竟人生不是程序。

今早收到消息,我小表妹给我添了个小外甥呢。

其实说小表妹也不太对。我这个表妹和我同年。我们打小住得近,一起玩,一起学习。我没姐妹,这个表妹,其实感觉就是和我一起长大,最亲的姐妹。小时候,我们还戏称自己是一对双生姐妹呢。还记得我结婚那一天,我们抱在一起哭得好惨。而现在,我这个姐妹,竟然为人母了。

佳,我们真的都长大了呢。这句话,在我们都当老师,都嫁人的时候,我都不说。可是在你都当妈妈的时候,我真的不得不承认了。人长大了,生活,距离,使我们不能如小时候那般亲了。我们不再能如小学毕业时那般,任性地认定我们一定要进同一间学校。接下来的人生,我们有各自的路。

可是,要记得哦。我们无论身在何处,都还是最初那两个亲得仿佛是双生姐妹的小女孩。那每个周末都在一起玩芭比娃娃的小女孩。那坚持要上同一间学校的小女孩。这不会因为时间和距离而改变。

无论在那儿,过着怎么样的人生,都祝福你,和你的小孩。健健康康,开开心心的。

好想看小婴儿长得怎样,像不像妈妈呢。

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