心语迹痕

July 31, 2010

Filed under: 碎碎念 — by Yilise @ 3:45 AM

如果給你挑,你會挑身體累,精神累,腦袋累還是情感累?

如果是我。我會說干嘛一定要累。

不過人就是這樣吧。一定要有一個累。有時候覺得,活著就是一個累。

哎呀,太灰色了。

認真來說,我也說不上我現在是哪一個累。

身體也累。腦袋也累。精神也累。全部累起來,思念家人朋友,情感也累。

有點想放棄了。

想我這個樣子到底值不值得。

可是其實人生中,除去為家人朋友的付出外,有什麼事情真的是值得或不值得。

如果堅持下去,不過是不甘願就如此放棄吧。

撐下去,是任性。如果放棄,其實也是任性。

也不知道是不是因為累起來,一切都染上一層灰色調。

開始覺得,自己無論是做什麼,都做不好。覺得付出再多,仿佛也不夠。

好像無論多努力,一直都逃不掉某種宿命。

一直想抓住生命裡小小的喜悅。不多。零碎。但生活不就本如此。

我已幸福。

我希望我原本有的不要流失掉。

我希望我至少一直都能看得清。我所擁有的。

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September 8, 2009

日子

Filed under: 碎碎念 — by Yilise @ 7:48 PM

其實想想日子是很好期待的。前些日子七夕才過沒多久。現在就是090909的浪漫日期。之間還外加了個長周末。長長久久後沒過多久,就該是中秋了。秋天出外賞個楓葉,感恩節也就來了。感恩節之後,就歡度聖誕,慶祝結婚紀念日並開始倒數2010。剛剛倒數完,就差不多該過農歷新年了。農歷新年後,別忘了還有元宵佳節呢。元宵之後,又是浪漫的西方情人節。情人節後,就是我的生日啦。我的生日之後,就是他的生日了。櫻花季節,郁金香季節也來了。五月份還有memorial day的長周末。六月份天氣好好出外玩樂。七月份又一個independence day的長周末,接著就是八月的紀念日。再來,牛郎織女又該見面了。又一年過去了…

對一個貪浪漫愛玩樂的雙魚座女生,這樣的日子,應該是很快樂的…

August 30, 2009

學與不學

Filed under: 碎碎念 — by Yilise @ 6:06 AM

今天翻到之前課堂的一些筆記。與其說是筆記,不如說是上課間乏悶時的塗鴉。記得好像是在討論某個宋元時期的文學作品,說的是某個閨閣被某個文人的文筆所折服的故事吧。當時課堂上的一個同學,講了如是的一句話:“she yielded to the power of his brush”。而我在筆記本上,則寫下了如是一段:

“she yielded to the power of his brush?有比這個更爛的說法嗎?天。
It sounds like a line in a badly written harlequin.
好,是我的錯。自己思想污濁。

年輕女生,什麼都不懂就如此執著。多活幾年吧,先至知道什麼值得如此付出,什麼不值得。
為了理念,而非為男人
但是,所謂理念,又是什麼
死,不是錯。錯的死非其所。
男人都是爛的。又一個十二少。
男人都貪生。女人都貪情。還好,貪情,不是貪男人。還是比較有格調。

說不准見了面,就如同網友見面一般,對方原來是個恐龍青蛙。”

現在看來,我那時怎麼那麼憤青啊。

其實,還蠻懷念上課的感覺。如果不需要寫作業,不需要做太麻煩的功課…

快開學了呢。仿佛是生平第一次, 我完全脫離了學校這個保護膜…不再與任何形式的學校有關系。坦白講,還真的不習慣…

August 12, 2009

又来碎碎念

Filed under: 碎碎念 — by Yilise @ 12:07 AM

*扫扫尘埃*

好久没写了。最后一次更新竟然是四月!这么一眨眼,就已经八月了。

不过间中的日子,其实几句话也能带过。就,毕业,和妈妈去加拿大玩,去芝加哥帮弟弟找房子,然后就是搬家。

对,又搬家了。

每一次搬家,都好累。

首先是和朋友的别离,心很累。再来,搬家的初期,人一直都在路上,找家具,找超市,琐事一堆。好几天累得全身无力。要想要做的事情好多好多。

陌生的环境要适应,要重新习惯一个家和地方,身体都有些抗拒。想念费城,想念费城的朋友。

也许是日子忙碌时,脑袋就会放空。体力用多了。脑力就用得比较少。

而现在,体力该忙的东西忙的差不多,回到必须坐下来用脑工作的日子,就会不知不觉地回到这儿。

尤其是定下来时,往往就会胡思乱想。

最近总感觉自己在蹉跎岁月。看身边的人都那么努力地在生活时,就会想到自己在干嘛。已经不年轻的人了,却过得那么浑浑噩噩。似乎无论做什么,都无法放入全部的心思去努力做到最好。

仿佛就只是蜻蜓点水地在过生活。什么都只是浅尝一点点,然后就觉得那样就好。

看别人是用尽全力地在做,让自己没有后路,也就不会后悔。我真的很羡慕。很羡慕他们能够找到那个让自己愿意去付出的东西。而我什么都是试过没多久就腻烦。

如果别人是用100%在活,我最多就只能算是用20%吧。

一直以为自己还有时间,可以慢慢找。在那之前,就先玩玩吧。可是渐渐发现,自己已经没什么玩的时间了。除非自己想就这样玩一辈子。

有时自我安慰时会跟自己说,玩一辈子也没什么不好。就这样平平淡淡地过一生有什么不好。平凡才是真正的幸福。有人养着,在家就做做自己能力所及的翻译文案,看看书,看看戏。这样的日子也很写意。

但,还是会羡慕其他人,能够活得那么有目的。总觉得这样才能够真正地散发出璀璨的光芒。

April 29, 2009

glimpse

Filed under: 碎碎念 — by Yilise @ 6:08 PM

In the midst of writing my second paper of the semester, I went searching for my forever elusive post-it tabs – got frustrated and decided to take five minutes to fix my table. Cleared off the notes that I used for my first paper, my Cantonese class and classes that I were auditing – and piled them all helter-skelter on my shelves.

Eyes ran over the mixed collection of books on my shelves, and sat down and looked around at the room that represented my life.

Books of all shapes and sizes, ranging from seal-script dictionaries, modern and contemporary literature and research books, huge art history books, popular English novels, imperial texts… personal letters and postcards slotted in between, a bottle of enchanted orchid moisturizer, all forms of stuff scattered on the floor, a pilates ball squeezed in a corner… notes with underlined and highlighted deadlines stuck on the wall together with an out-dated and forgotten list of stuff to do and a map of the area… journal books and boxes and photo frames tucked in various corners of the shelves…

Messy and yet so me…

And I found my post-it tabs behind the screen of my Macbook. Naturally the very last place I’ll think of looking…

April 22, 2009

马桶戏票

Filed under: 碎碎念 — by Yilise @ 12:26 AM

刚上洗手间时看到马桶里漂着一张撕碎的戏票。

第一反应,这人也太没公德心了。戏票这东西,纸硬,难冲洗,一不小心,就导致马桶堵塞。到时,人人都麻烦。五楼的洗手间,就那么一个能用的马桶。若坏了的话,就得走好远才能方便。

义愤填膺了一分钟后,开始想,到底是哪一个男生,在这备考备报告的水深火热期间,被一个怎样的女生给拒了,惹得一个热血青年躲在洗手间撕票泄愤。说不准还流下两滴男儿泪。

也许,这男生是个很可爱的书呆子(不然就不会选择在图书馆的洗手间撕票),每日都躲在图书馆的一个小角落看书。偶然一天注意到了在图书馆打工的漂亮女留学生。女生长发飘逸,修长身段,使得他深深着迷。他从秋冬穿着暖暖毛衣开始一路偷偷注视着女生的各色颜情,看着她认真理书时蹙着的眉,看着她朋友与她打闹时笑开的眼。在女生开始穿凉凉的鲜亮的吊带短衣配着白色短裤时,他终于鼓起了勇气,趁着Anneberg推出了学生减价票,他买了两张,在一个原来预报会是春暖花开绿草映晴天的日子,结果却阴风凛凛雨打花落的烂天,冒着冷汗的手中,捏着两张票,颤抖着的双脚,一步一步接近蹙着眉,低着头理书的女生。在发香扑鼻的霎那,轻启朱唇。

“你愿意陪我一起看戏吗?”

女生一抬头,首先吓了一跳,怎么一个疯子离我这么近???先是蹬蹬蹬退了三大步,再四处看看有没有认识的人,在关键时期能帮手打走变态。最后小心翼翼地问。

“有什么需要帮助吗?要找书的话你自己用franklin比较好。”

一鼓作气却立马失败的男生,话一出口后再也开不了嘴。他学女生蹬蹬蹬退了三大步,随即转身就跑,逃入了最近的避身所 –洗手间。接下来,上演的就是躲在洗手间内痛苦流涕兼之撕票的没公德心戏码。导致之后进洗手间的我,看到的就是马桶里漂着一张撕碎的票。

瞎掰到现在,忽然想起我上的是女厕。所以以上所写都得变一下性。

唉。我是写报告写得快疯了吧。

November 21, 2008

秋末随笔

Filed under: 碎碎念 — by Yilise @ 5:57 PM

下雪了。

点点飞雪而已,比较象碎冰。

不是第一次看到下雪。但,还是有点点喜悦。

—————-

Juggling between four different paper topics and life. Reality sometimes gets blurred…

Had dinner with some classmates recently. And a third-year phd peppered the conversation with warnings against getting sucked into the phd route, citing the high divorce rates, low pay and also the reality that it takes at least 6 to 7 years before one is likely graduate. That is a darn long time.

—————-

不知是不是因为冬天将近。心情最近都有些闷闷。也许因为老闷在家里吧。

但,最近平都很疼惜我。有时,看着他,会觉得,我其实什么都有了。有个家,家里有个人,不管怎样都会照顾我,对我好。这就是实在的。其他的,都是虚的。不是吗?

人,也就如此,没有什么理由可以不开心了。

————–

just received the news of the south street bridge closure that is going to wreck serious traffic damage for 24 months. Ugh. And we will be residing here for 8 of those months.

South street bridge is a main artery linking university city and center city. And it means we have to take a longer route to the asian market plus that there’s going to be serious jams along walnut and chestnut, the two streets bookending us.

And somehow, the bridge closure and its effects highlights the reality of life that sometimes seems just like a dream….

November 18, 2008

十一月半

Filed under: 碎碎念 — by Yilise @ 3:16 AM

快十二月了。以前最中意十一月。今年却因为整日都埋首写作业,十一月都过了近一半也没发觉。

学期末的来临,总是带着压力。交Finals的压力。就是这个时候,平就会很幸灾乐祸地说,早跟你说别读了。花钱找罪受不就如此。

有时,还真的会想想,值得与不值得。

昨天赶功课,几个同学整个周日都窝在图书馆。不年轻的人,花样年华就如此消磨在四面都堆积书尘的房间,研究着两个汉代人讨论天气。阴阳雨雹讲个半天。

到底在干嘛啦。

但,偏偏。还是觉得值得。

不知所谓又如何。有些事,有些人,就是甘愿。

October 22, 2008

evidence

Filed under: 碎碎念,心痕 — by Yilise @ 2:35 AM

When I am overworked and stressed and facing deadlines wherever I look, I tend to do silly things. Like spend time on facebook (in normal times, I never go to facebook except to approve friends. Now, I check it 10 times a day). Like take photos of my incredibly messy table (which has an order! Just not to anyone’s eyes but mine). Which explains why I have photos back in my uni days of stacks of notes on the bed. It appears that I do not change, although I do age.

And so, here, to entertain friends. And to remind people that although I might take awhile to answer emails, and also occasionally miss your calls because I keep forgetting to turn it on after class, I am still alive. Here be evidence of my existence. I.e., photos of my home.

This is my table. And the magnificent contraption that P rigged so I get two screens. Which is amazingly useful in essay writing as I can have my draft right next to me.

And this is my bookshelf. And yes, I know it’s gotten a lot messier since the last photo.

And to show I’m not the only untidy person, this is P’s table! Recently, he’s been on a computer-building mission that requires the taking apart of a lot of computers. As you can see, he has run out of space to the extent that he’s working on the floor. Heehee. At least I’m not reduced to that. Yet. And yes, I do have stuff on the floor too. But I’m not taking photos of that.

And this, is the last home project that I undertook, in the too far away past when I still had the time for home projects. It’s a photoframe-board, that holds eight photos and we write our daily schedule on it. It’s one of my favorite things in the house ☺

And now… a return to the essay that is due in two days. Sometimes… I wanna ask myself, why am I not asking myself why?

October 15, 2008

Indian Summer

Filed under: 碎碎念 — by Yilise @ 8:21 PM

We had a run of gloriously bright sun-drenched days the past week. Indian summer, a beautiful time in fall. The air loses the cold bite and the gold leaves dazzles in the sunlight.

Forecast says it’ll end by tomorrow with a rainstorm. And it’s back to reality after the short sunny holiday, how I wish we have a longer break! I just want to take one week and do nothing but read, the library books I borrowed have been collecting dust after its second renewal.

I have such a love-hate relationship with my work, similar to my attitude towards fall. I love fall, the cold, brisk air, so refreshing. And I love wrapping myself up in scarves and warm jackets. But I also enjoy the easiness of the past week, being able to run out the door in just short sleeves and sandals when I’m late for class, with no need for any additional fuss.

I love my work, I really do. I love the readings and the adrenaline when I’m doing the brainwork and I love the satisfaction when I complete the assignments. I love the lectures that set me thinking. And I love the research that make me all dusty mentally and physically. But I also love being able to just immerse myself in my CSI episodes and trashy books and have more time to cook the dishes that take such a long time to prepare!

Just finished my weekly response for the E&D module, and still have tons more of work to do. The weekly response took longer than it used to coz I’m still in such a lethargic holiday mood. Have a humanities forum seminar I want to attend at the Penn Museum in the evening, than will be helping a friend move house. I want to cook dinner, but I don’t know if I’ll have time to, have to finish watching this week’s film, King of the Children, tonight as well before the seminar class tomorrow. P borrowed a dvd from netflix that I’m interested in too…

I miss the Indian summer before it’s even over…

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